The water that leaks from my ears.

So another day.
So my mind is filling with water, the faucet of horrible thoughts still dripping. I've really been trying to hide it, but eventually your head gets so full of bullshit you can't help it that a little leaks out.


I Spent the entire night last night staring at the ceiling and thinking about everything......writing. does anyone care, so on. I can't hold my girlfriend because I can't lay still. So as she snores I roll over and choke back a few wayward lonely tears. If I get out of bed she will notice so I just lay there. The sun comes up and I stuff my head under a pillow because I have the most reached head ace. I don't know if its from, the loss of sleep or food. I cry because it hurts, because everything hurts. I know Kris wants me to go to class but I can't imagine it. It seems far beyond my ability. Kris asks if I'm crying and I manage a pretty convincing no which I'm not sure she believed. But she said "you don't have to go to class if you don't want to." Great, so no dragging me out of bed and screaming at me this time. So I'm sure you can imagine getting out of bed is a huge ordeal, I have to take her to work. So I pull on dirty clothes ...dont bother with my hair, get my biggest pair of sunglasses to hide my gross sunken ash white face. Every where I go theses days I'm stumbling but no one says anything.....whatever. I'm actually kind of scared of my driving. Half the time I forget where I am and where I am going. Just in an instant..."what road is this" "where am I". In the car I sip my black coffee and turn up the music so that I don't have to talk. I tell Kris I just haven't had enough coffee.
This sucks ...this routine ...this sadness and tiredness latched onto my back like a giant retched leach.
I can't take it much longer.....something horrible will probably happen.
Yesterday in the bathroom I saw floating spots of color very vividly not like a trick of the light
Is it the starving or am I loosing my mind again?
I have heard that ounce you have a manic break you are likely to never stop having them. And that they get worse each time.
Really I'm just fucking scared....all the time. I used to look insanity in the face and say "welcome friend!" I thought it was just me...I was unique I had a unique view on the world.
 I used to walk to school and all the trees would be painted in rainbow colors and the pebbles on the ground would dance. Music would play around me, entire symphonies. It's great until one day you see an FBI agent walk into your house with a giant gun and murder an innocent little girl. My first real bad hallucination I think.
Bah of all the things I have experience I almost hate that feeling the most.......the feeling of being insane.
gotta go maybe I will wright more later tonight. Thanks for reading