Been a While

It has. I've been busy unceremoniously "falling of the wagon" or whatever. So my friend came down for a week. we bought a lot of alcohol and got dunk a lot and watched a lot of movies and wasted a lot of time, and it was awsum. I stopped thinking about food so much now. It comes and goes. I haven't been taking my meds regularly, because apparently if you drink while taking Lithium it can kill you. Who knew? I swear sometimes I don't know if the meds are helping or just making everything worse. I feel great now, other than a massive hang over. I feel like a horrible person because it seems I just can't help but self destruct. Thats what this is all about. Can't cut, can't starve, might as well drink I guess. It's is the socially acceptable slow suicide. I haven't been going to school either. It's funny how fast we can fall on our faces in life. --------->really fucked up<--------
This is the second semester I have had to drop out because of this whole being crazy thing. I'm sick of it. Sometimes I feel like if I have to go through the horrible depression why can't I experience the manic high? The docs are all about treating the mania, but I tell mine Ive been in a debilitating depression for four weeks and she tells me she is not going to change the medicine because "its working". WTF---------->exhausted<----------
In other news.....


My Psychologist wants me do "experience" The rape, He wants me to tell him every gory fucking detail. Which btw I have never told anyone, not one person the whole truth not even you. So needless to say it will be horrible. god how is any of this shit going to help me.