Presher release

First of I want to thank all TWO of my followers. Yaaay Please feel free to comment, especially if there is something you don't understand or want to know more about. When I'm not telling my life story in run on sentences I tend to rant. Sorry about that.

So I'm thinking that my blog will get a little less intense in the future, as I'm going to be doing mostly daily updates. But they will be shockingly honest I hope. At some point I may randomly expound on something that happened in my past. It sort of my way of getting it out of my head. This blog is the one place I feel I can be myself, Melodrama weakness and all.

Today

today was another shitter. Black skies,crying hearts.......DEATH. God the whole putrid mass of typical things you think when your depressed. I feel like a stereotype....and that makes me feel like I don't matter. I get so angry when I say " I don't feel well" and my girlfriends response is "is it mental?" "are you depressed again?" Like I have a stubbed toe or something. The people in my life (and people everywhere) have this horrible way of looking at mental illness as like this disembodied THiNG. like oh yea depression thats where your sad and oh your bipolar so you have mood swings and oh schizophrenia so your like totally fucking MAD right? They categories and minimize so that they can consume you and spit you out again without hurting there fucking teeth. 
I know I know..It's not entirely there fault there is the whole "I'm fine" standard of conduct. But seriously just one time when someone asks me how I'm doing I want to say " Well I'm fucking dying how are you?"
wow this is a total rant.

Its just...... I'm so fucking sick. My vision is all messed up and I'm super weak. Not to mention food problems. I almost cried because I ate a bagel today, yea with cream cheese because I'm a fat cow. I thought if I ate something maybe I would feel better and before I knew it I was shoving that bagel down my throat. It felt like a bing (im a major binger but i cant purge anymore so i'm trying to stop). I don't know why it felt so bad, wheat  bagels used to be one of my safe foods. all i had today was that and a 1/2 cup of cereal.
But being sick here is the d/l
I haven't left my apartment (except to take my gf to work) for like 2 weeks
I haven't been to school for like 4 weeks
I've been posting my status on fb as sick that whole time...i went from "maybe I have food poisoning" to "i don't fucking know anymore"
bah and everyone I know is just like "hope you feel better soon" ;_; no one takes me seriously anymore hmmm, maybe it's because I LIE about everything. But if I tell people how I really feel....they just send me to a fucking clinic. God am
I really that fucked up?