So This is my new Creative project. Welcome to the experiment people. I want this to be more that a blog...I have an idea that I hope can grow. I want to show the side of myself that know one else in my life is ever allowed to see. I spend my nights sweating over the lies I tell to get through every day. There not big lies, I'm not a complete fake. Most people would describe me as down to earth...."she's got a good head on her shoulders" whatever. We all tell these little lies...I'm fine, when we are about to break. I'm not hungry when we are starving. We wake up in the morning and put on our face of lies. I get it. Its necessary......why else would everyone do it? And yes we all do weather you know it or not. But there is this phenomenon called the internet where people can be whatever they want. Well, stripped of all morel consequences of my actions and hiding behind an alias. I want to be myself. It does feel terribly naive to think that someone out there in the world would care about my dramatic, narcissistic, pessimistic view on reality. But I've always been a little naive. If you are squeamish, don't like sad stories ....or simple don't care u may want to stop reading now.
A" brief" history of subject one: me
My parent seperated when I was about a year old. Wasn't that bad, lived with my older sister, brother and mom. Mom was an alcoholic, (so was dad, he also did drugs). At the age of four I got brutally raped by my uncles son. To this day no one knows. My Brother and I were also beaten buy our uncle. He would also fill our plates with as much food as was on his and we would have to eat it (even though we were only four and six). If we didn't eat it we had to keep eating it for every meal until it was gone. If we threw it up we had to eat the vomit. (promise this is relevant later). My mom died when I was eight. My brother and I were underage so we had to go live with my Dad....who we had barely seen sense the day he left our mother. ( I think I have severe memory loss from this point in my life and when I saw my father I actually didn't know who he was). So he brought us to Missouri and we lived with our grandparents for a while. Then we got a shack of a house. Blah blah life goes on Dad is a ragging alcoholic. He leaves my brother and I home alone for days at a time. We roam the streets...people feel sorry for us and give us handouts. Sometimes we sleep outside the bar waiting for Dad to come out. He gives us money a lot and we survive on gas station pizza. Then enters Jodi my stepmom. She straightens things up and we shape up to be a pretty normal family except that she has Bipolar disorder and flies into rages, and my dad is still an alchaholic and my brother is a super genius that no one understands and I am...lost alone....like every teenager. I try going to church and for a while I do a perfect little christian girl dance, and I even mean it, but that becomes corrupted and my heart was broken. Then comes me the suicide girl. It all started with the dreams. The constant insomnia that had been eating away at me from the day I was born. Now the nightmares come in full force Horrifying disgusting nightmares, of rape, beatings, death, murder. (If you want the details I keep a dream journal, let me know and I will publish some). I scream I cry, I puke. I begin to self destruct. I attempt suicide twice....once with pills stollen from my stepmother and once with a knife to my throat.(pretty stupid i know). I begin to see and hear things that aren't real. I can't tell what is reality and what is dream anymore. I cut myself, I starve myself. I want just for someone to see that im not ok. Addiction runs in the family. lies run in the family. One day I show up to school with both arms fully rapped. No one says a word. .........maybe one....Freak..
I don't get in to the college I want right away so I go to spend a few months with my Grandparents. They get me medication....antidepressants and sleeping pills. Everything seems wonderful for a while. I have a job, I loose a ton of weight. (still starving) They think its great that I ride my bike for 10 hours straight after working an 8 hour shift. yea great.
Than comes college. The first year at a private christian school ( i wanted to give god another chance). I meant my first boyfriend and first love. He loves me happy he hates me sad. My world is defined by his words "whats wrong with you" "you are a totally different person". I starve on. I weigh 110 pounds. The nightmares come back, the insomnia, the rape. I try to tell him. He leaves me. I am so devastated I get physically ill every time I see him. I run. Change schools to the place where my brother is and a few of my high school friends. The moment I Pull in to the driveway I get a call from my Dad....Jodi is in the hospital.
It is critical, she has contracted MRSA. She dies on Christmas morning. I am 20 and have lost two mothers. Jodi's dying wish is that my father will get his liver scaned. He does so and finds out that he has liver cancer. They do what they can to fight it but it is far advanced, and he doesn't stop drinking right away. I had a conversation with him one day. I said " Dad do you know that you are killing yourself, that every time you pick up that bottle you are choosing death over life." He said yes. He died a year later.
So Here I am...about three years later.
In the interim I have been diagnosed with. ptsd, dissociative Identity disorder, schizophrenia. u name it ive hade it. But finally the docs settled on Bipolar I rapid cycling. Ironic no?
Bipolar is a sickness of the mind, where one had distorted mood states. for instance being extremely happy and feeling like you are invincible for no apparent reason.(its a lot like being high). or they have a completely debilitating depression, where they cant even get out of bed to shower. Bipolar people swing between these mood states. Its a very complicated illness. Mine is in some ways the worst kind of bipolar. Ive had at least four of what they call a Manic Break. Where u basically snap and go insane. Thats where the schizophrenia diagnoses comes from. I'm at a point now where without my medicine I become extremely paranoid and scared. (i might elaborate more on that later)
So here is the interesting part.....no one can see what I see or experience life as I do. But I would like to find someone who maybe understands a little bit of what its like to be such a complete fuck up. Its especially hard when people try to be nice to you about it. My professors are great, they usually forgive me for missing class. But I can't tell them...."sorry I wasn't in class I had a horrible fear that if I went outside the dirt molecules in the air would absorb into my body and kill me." .......No one understands that I can't eat meat or certain foods because I honestly believe the government engineer them to cause cancer. And no its not because im crazy ....or am I?
so here is where you come in. I'm going to tell you everything about my messed up life so at least someone will be able to always see the real me. I will also be like a log that I can look back on. And you cab see my progression into either recovery or........well not so please comment and no hate I didn't ask you to read my blog. And stay tuned ...im hopping to do video logs in the future.
