Omg...So I don't really know what to do with this fucking blog. I don't really think anyone will read it but wtfe. I gotta tell someone whats really going on even if its no one.
So I'm really fucking up again. ...But lets get the full picture .... About 6 months ago I was on a full blown manic high I started the semester with 18 credit hours. I would go party every day of the weekend and hang with the drag queens at the gay bar, dragging my straight friends along with me.....full blown....making horrible splatter art while drunk in the middle of my kitchen floor ( my roommate didnt like that to much)....cleaning all night long MANIC.
Then I met my Girlfriend. My first real girlfriend because I only came out about a year ago. She is amazing, plays the guitar, believes in the power of love to save the world....general positive ..."you make your own way" outlook on life. Which happens to be the exact opposite of my pessimistic narcissistic "why me" attitude.
On a side note my roommate who has been my friend from high school realized that he, formerly she, is a transsexual. We go through the coming out process together. His mom seems to believe it is somehow my fault that her little girl is becoming a man and decides that I can't live with him anymore. (She pays his rent)
ok so I had no where to go so I move in with my girlfriend of about 3 weeks.
She is living with (renting a room from) an older gentlemen...Ron...who remains our good friend.
So when I move in with them I'm still manic...Taking Prozac like candy because last time I went to the hospital I said something about dying. They are pleased as punch....I do the dishes the laundry....clean the floors and the toilet. Over and over. They are amused that I can't sit and watch a movie.
Then comes fall from Grace version 6.0
I can't sleep I try to tell myself that is ok because I never really sleep anymore. But this isn't normal unrest. deep down I know its coming......something....the fall....something horrible I can't stop.
There are voices calling out to me, extremely loud male voices hooping and cat calling. I'm lying in bed with my girlfriend of two months, Kristina. Why isn't she waking up...?
Then it hits me .....A giant knot rips open my stomach and vomit rises to my throat. Terror pure terror seeping through my veins. I see it pulsing there just bellow the surface .....if I could just let the terror out maybe I wont go mad .....maybe I wont get the shot in that place where all i can see is the white ceiling and the hands all around me....the horrible gowns ....and the male nurses....why should a man ever be a nurse? Terror.
Im in the bathroom there is loud horrible music playing somewhere. Everything takes on a sickly yellowish hue. I don't remember doing it. There was a moment alone wishing the terror could escape...then blood everywhere blood. I watched it pool in the yellow sink. Then I fall to a place in the back of my skull and robot kat takes over. She goes to the room and wakes Kristina and says things that I don't understand. Everything is gibberish and far away. I am in a quiet place. People come and talk to robot Kat and she make some reply. And then there is an absurdly long ambulance ride where I am sure i was sedated .....then the bright lights of a strange new hospital.
I never really remember hospital visits. I guess this time I was on the psych ward for 5 days. All i do remember is begging for this anxiety medicine they give you that melts on your mouth. I would get really angry and they would send me to my room. Where I would wright ramblings and make crayon drawings. And I liked it when they wrapped my whole arm in bandages because it made it look worse...like I really tried to kill myself, which I hadn't. Then the nurse looking at my cuts and saying "that's not so bad" ...How fucking moronic can you be? Yea just go tell an anorexic they are fat. I fucking hate hospitals.
So of course after this they take me of the Prozac...This being my fourth schizophrenic episode and subsequent hospitalization I am finally officially diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and thus given lithium.
So all is well and la de da and this post is finally over??? afraid not..
Fall From grace 6.0 part 2
I was a bad girl so I'm taken of Prozac, (btw I also have major depressive disorder) left on the Geodon for general psychotic symptoms...and put on Lithium. I am a horrible disgusting putrid mass of sick. I fall hard into depression. Now this isnt....wow my life sucks and I hate it and im going to dye my hair black depression, (no offense) This is ...I spend two ours trying to motivate myself to walk to the bathroom and take a piss depression. I migrate from bed to couch. I glue my eyes open and watch the daytime t.v because i'm tired of having nightmares, but I don't understand it; and i don't laugh at the jokes. I go to the couch because It seems to make Ron feel better. Him and Kris are worried about me. "what happens your a completely different person". Luckily Ron used to have a wife who was every bit as bipolar as me. he gets it. Kris is distraught. She tries to fight with me. She cries. Anything to get a rise, but I can't even give her that. I mumble "I don't know"s and "I'm sorry"s. Days drag buy and become weeks. I stopped going to school A while ago. Decided I needed to get my shit together.....Yea look at me now really got it goin on.
I don't have a job.I'm broke, Kris is paying both our parts of the rent. I lay on the couch....Sometimes I cry uncontrollably. My biggest decisions are whether or not to eat and shower. In the midst of all this I sloooowly start to come to the surface. Kris and I decide to get an apartment together and for some reason I decide to go back to school. (I can't afford to pay back my loans, and I seem to think it will get me back on track) right.....(so now that u have an idea)
almost to present day......=)
Manic high, version who fucking cares
So we get the apartment.....for a while I don't unpack anything. I go through a crisis of "maybe this was the wrong decision" But really what other choice did I have.....broke no where to go. But I love my Girlfriend very much so we work it out together. And eventually I get my meds changed again.....enter Welbutrin, and more Lithium, say goodbye to Geodon. Wooot yay I'm back at school, and cleaning the house and doing my homework. But not to much, wouldn't want people to think im manic. And from this point it seems my life gets better and better. Who cares that my car got smashed, I have student loan money lets buy another! And I proceed to spend and spend and spend. But who cares that's not like a symptom or anything! (sarcasm) Kris and I are brilliant, and I do the laundry in appropriate intervals and wash the dishes and make dinners. In fact for a while the tables are turned. See Kris has been diagnosed with Bipolar also. She is also a recovering drug attic and alcoholic. She stopped drinking when we met.(we both did) So she is in her head and distant and dreary and I am clueless as to what to do, and for a moment I wonder if it hurts this much to love me.
I buy new clothes and new hair and new makeup and present a whole new mask of me. Kat version 7.0 here to save the day. Look at me I'm so much better, like I was never sick. I'm amazing and SO responsible and SO grown up. For a while I go to class and even participate. My doctors are oh so impressed....this is a real break through "your like a new person" "this is the most together I've ever seen you" hahahaha.......I am the puppeteer! I am IN CONTROL ...NOTHING but NOTHING can stop me ...I'm going to be a great artist and everyone will no my name and i will have THE most REVOLUTIONARY senior show EVER and then I will go to grad school wherever I wish because im AMAZING and then I will be a GREAT professor...........
One night I can't sleep. I get up and do sketches. Then again and again. Threads begin to come undone. THe light is to bright in my eyes, the world to loud. There is a faucet in my brain that is leeking evil thoughts.
You are a fat pig...
No one really knows you...
You are completely alone....
You are a fake...
Lies.......lies......lies ......drip....... drip
It Slowly builds until there is a lake in my head a lake of blackness sloshing around noisily distracting me from life. At first I become afraid......afraid of my psychology class because the room is so dark and small and nothing the teacher says seems to make sense to me. Afraid that I might have to sit buy a boy because there is so little room. Afraid of men...always....irrationally afraid. There is one boy in particular. He is tall, potentially strong. We used to have a class together and he would ask me out all the time. Tell me things like "how do you know your gay if you've never been with a man"....One of those creeps that lives just below the surface. When he says hi to me my skin crawls. But on this particular day I'm out to prove that I'm not afraid. I see him. we talk as if we are friends....the masks people were....I laugh easily. at some point he says slyly "we should hang out sometime." "yea sure" I'm not afraid of you. This feels wrong like a secret code. I know what he wants. he wants sex, they all want sex even women want sex.........I'm really afraid. But it's completely irational right? How can I tell people? What would I say?
And that is the last straw
the shackles wind round, the lake fills an ocean. All is seen through mud all is dull and colorless. Old tired pain rises to the surface and discolors the waters of my mind. Suddenly my world is not school and girlfriend and art, no it is my fathers face as he lay dying, phone calls and icu's and horrid faces about to speak the words you already know. The feeling of death all around. ......My father lifting a beer to his dying lips....the helplessness. The last words my stepmother said to me......the nurse crying for me on christmas morning....DRIP DRIP DRIP.......My tiny hands tied to the iron bed...the weight .....the blood......the sound of my body dragging on the wooden floor.......the helplessness ...............His hands in my hair..........the loneliness....................dady's pride..... dady's little girl .........little.........girl..............jodi's words........your just a child.............excuses.lonely ......little........girl......child.
I cut my hair twice and it's still not short enough. And everyone says "what a pity, What a shame" you were so pretty, so cute. I hate them. I hate cute. I hate that when I thought I was the puppeteer I was being made to dance the most elaborate dance. I hate that every time I remove one mask there is another. I'm afraid that this real me is just this pain that is left over. I hate that I am afraid. I want to be strong. Deep down somewhere I wish that I were a boy. Or at least that I looked more like one. I want to starve and deflate my female body. I want to be strong. I want to mutilate my self to the point that no one can recognize me. I want them to see the pain. And I want to hide forever. I'm good at hiding.
It's really easy. Even though I've been found out, been sent to the hospital to many times to count. Even in the middle of my lunatic ravings, starvation, cutting, those people who supposedly love and care for me will say.....She is just under a lot of stress........It's nothing. And when I wake up from the sedation I will say....yes just stress......guess I was working to hard. And they will all smile and laugh...."your such a hard worker.....such a good girl".................................how much it hurts you can't imagine
Present day ....fall....?
SO here we are....I cut my hair. I hate it. I got drunk because my gf wanted me to meet her friends at a bar....we all got drunk. I don't think i'm supposed to drink while on lithium but who the fuck cares. Obviously not my doctor because she has canceled on me twice. I haven't showered in 3 days but apparently no one thinks that's weird. Sometimes I wonder if people ignore my weirdness on purpose. Like "she just wants attention don't give it to her" or something like that. I can't help but be amazed at the lies people accept. My Days are all ..."I don't feel good" and "I'm sorry" and oh" I journaled im getting through it because im strong and no matter what I'll be ok"...blah blah BULLSHIT. I'm tired of lying. I'm scared i'm going to loose my gf and I'm completely and totally FUCKED UP and I don't know how to fix this and I'm not getting better and the medicine is NOT helping. I completely fucked up at school again and I'm failing everything. My gf is mad because i'm not going to class and she wants me to get a job. Who the fuck is going to hire me?? I got fired from my last three jobs. (Oh but im not disabled at all. obviously I just want to take advantage of the fucking system because the government is so fucking generous these days) .........so survey....i can't go to work, can't go to school, can't even walk outside some days. *sigh* what am I going to do? I mean how do I beat this stupid illness. I have 3 doctors.....on 3 medications. I'm just so tired. I hop there is someone out there who cared enough to read all this bullshit. Let me know if you relate
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