Been a While

It has. I've been busy unceremoniously "falling of the wagon" or whatever. So my friend came down for a week. we bought a lot of alcohol and got dunk a lot and watched a lot of movies and wasted a lot of time, and it was awsum. I stopped thinking about food so much now. It comes and goes. I haven't been taking my meds regularly, because apparently if you drink while taking Lithium it can kill you. Who knew? I swear sometimes I don't know if the meds are helping or just making everything worse. I feel great now, other than a massive hang over. I feel like a horrible person because it seems I just can't help but self destruct. Thats what this is all about. Can't cut, can't starve, might as well drink I guess. It's is the socially acceptable slow suicide. I haven't been going to school either. It's funny how fast we can fall on our faces in life. --------->really fucked up<--------
This is the second semester I have had to drop out because of this whole being crazy thing. I'm sick of it. Sometimes I feel like if I have to go through the horrible depression why can't I experience the manic high? The docs are all about treating the mania, but I tell mine Ive been in a debilitating depression for four weeks and she tells me she is not going to change the medicine because "its working". WTF---------->exhausted<----------
In other news.....


My Psychologist wants me do "experience" The rape, He wants me to tell him every gory fucking detail. Which btw I have never told anyone, not one person the whole truth not even you. So needless to say it will be horrible. god how is any of this shit going to help me.

Getting better

Well....Sorry for the ranting =).
This will be a short post. I just want to say that my Best friend is spending the week with me. I already feel better just being around her. It's hard because even she doesn't know about my ed. But she does know about the pain, and about my life. Hers was just as hard. It's nice to be around friends. Kinda even makes me feel normal. I ate a pop tart for the first time in 6 years the other day. It was weird and I felt really guilty, but I did it.
I will try to post more but this blog is kind of a secret so it may be hard. Thanks again for your comments and for reading. <3

Presher release

First of I want to thank all TWO of my followers. Yaaay Please feel free to comment, especially if there is something you don't understand or want to know more about. When I'm not telling my life story in run on sentences I tend to rant. Sorry about that.

So I'm thinking that my blog will get a little less intense in the future, as I'm going to be doing mostly daily updates. But they will be shockingly honest I hope. At some point I may randomly expound on something that happened in my past. It sort of my way of getting it out of my head. This blog is the one place I feel I can be myself, Melodrama weakness and all.

Today

today was another shitter. Black skies,crying hearts.......DEATH. God the whole putrid mass of typical things you think when your depressed. I feel like a stereotype....and that makes me feel like I don't matter. I get so angry when I say " I don't feel well" and my girlfriends response is "is it mental?" "are you depressed again?" Like I have a stubbed toe or something. The people in my life (and people everywhere) have this horrible way of looking at mental illness as like this disembodied THiNG. like oh yea depression thats where your sad and oh your bipolar so you have mood swings and oh schizophrenia so your like totally fucking MAD right? They categories and minimize so that they can consume you and spit you out again without hurting there fucking teeth. 
I know I know..It's not entirely there fault there is the whole "I'm fine" standard of conduct. But seriously just one time when someone asks me how I'm doing I want to say " Well I'm fucking dying how are you?"
wow this is a total rant.

Its just...... I'm so fucking sick. My vision is all messed up and I'm super weak. Not to mention food problems. I almost cried because I ate a bagel today, yea with cream cheese because I'm a fat cow. I thought if I ate something maybe I would feel better and before I knew it I was shoving that bagel down my throat. It felt like a bing (im a major binger but i cant purge anymore so i'm trying to stop). I don't know why it felt so bad, wheat  bagels used to be one of my safe foods. all i had today was that and a 1/2 cup of cereal.
But being sick here is the d/l
I haven't left my apartment (except to take my gf to work) for like 2 weeks
I haven't been to school for like 4 weeks
I've been posting my status on fb as sick that whole time...i went from "maybe I have food poisoning" to "i don't fucking know anymore"
bah and everyone I know is just like "hope you feel better soon" ;_; no one takes me seriously anymore hmmm, maybe it's because I LIE about everything. But if I tell people how I really feel....they just send me to a fucking clinic. God am
I really that fucked up?

The water that leaks from my ears.

So another day.
So my mind is filling with water, the faucet of horrible thoughts still dripping. I've really been trying to hide it, but eventually your head gets so full of bullshit you can't help it that a little leaks out.


I Spent the entire night last night staring at the ceiling and thinking about everything......writing. does anyone care, so on. I can't hold my girlfriend because I can't lay still. So as she snores I roll over and choke back a few wayward lonely tears. If I get out of bed she will notice so I just lay there. The sun comes up and I stuff my head under a pillow because I have the most reached head ace. I don't know if its from, the loss of sleep or food. I cry because it hurts, because everything hurts. I know Kris wants me to go to class but I can't imagine it. It seems far beyond my ability. Kris asks if I'm crying and I manage a pretty convincing no which I'm not sure she believed. But she said "you don't have to go to class if you don't want to." Great, so no dragging me out of bed and screaming at me this time. So I'm sure you can imagine getting out of bed is a huge ordeal, I have to take her to work. So I pull on dirty clothes ...dont bother with my hair, get my biggest pair of sunglasses to hide my gross sunken ash white face. Every where I go theses days I'm stumbling but no one says anything.....whatever. I'm actually kind of scared of my driving. Half the time I forget where I am and where I am going. Just in an instant..."what road is this" "where am I". In the car I sip my black coffee and turn up the music so that I don't have to talk. I tell Kris I just haven't had enough coffee.
This sucks ...this routine ...this sadness and tiredness latched onto my back like a giant retched leach.
I can't take it much longer.....something horrible will probably happen.
Yesterday in the bathroom I saw floating spots of color very vividly not like a trick of the light
Is it the starving or am I loosing my mind again?
I have heard that ounce you have a manic break you are likely to never stop having them. And that they get worse each time.
Really I'm just fucking scared....all the time. I used to look insanity in the face and say "welcome friend!" I thought it was just me...I was unique I had a unique view on the world.
 I used to walk to school and all the trees would be painted in rainbow colors and the pebbles on the ground would dance. Music would play around me, entire symphonies. It's great until one day you see an FBI agent walk into your house with a giant gun and murder an innocent little girl. My first real bad hallucination I think.
Bah of all the things I have experience I almost hate that feeling the most.......the feeling of being insane.
gotta go maybe I will wright more later tonight. Thanks for reading

fallingTHE FUCK apart silently

Omg...So I don't really know what to do with this fucking blog. I don't really think anyone will read it but wtfe. I gotta tell someone whats really going on even if its no one.

So I'm really fucking up again. ...But lets get the full picture .... About 6 months ago I was on a full blown manic high I started the semester with 18 credit hours. I would go party every day of the weekend and hang with the drag queens at the gay bar, dragging my straight friends along with me.....full blown....making horrible splatter art while drunk in the middle of my kitchen floor ( my roommate didnt like that to much)....cleaning all night long MANIC.

Then I met my Girlfriend. My first real girlfriend because I only came out about a year ago.  She is amazing,  plays the guitar, believes in the power of love to save the world....general positive ..."you make your own way" outlook on life. Which happens to be the exact opposite of my pessimistic narcissistic "why me" attitude.

On a side note my roommate who has been my friend from high school realized that he, formerly she, is a transsexual. We go through the coming out process together. His mom seems to believe it is somehow my fault that her little girl is becoming a man and decides that I can't live with him anymore. (She pays his rent)
ok so I had no where to go so I move in with my girlfriend of about 3 weeks.
She is living with (renting a room from) an older gentlemen...Ron...who remains our good friend.

So when I move in with them I'm still manic...Taking Prozac like candy because last time I went to the hospital I said something about dying. They are pleased as punch....I do the dishes the laundry....clean the floors and the toilet. Over and over. They are amused that I can't sit and watch a movie.
Then comes fall from Grace version 6.0
I can't sleep I try to tell myself that is ok because I never really sleep anymore. But this isn't normal unrest. deep down I know its coming......something....the fall....something horrible I can't stop.
There are voices calling out to me, extremely loud male voices hooping and cat calling. I'm lying in bed with my girlfriend of two months, Kristina. Why isn't she waking up...?
Then it hits me .....A giant knot rips open my stomach and vomit rises to my throat. Terror pure terror seeping through my veins. I see it pulsing there just bellow the surface .....if I could just let the terror out maybe I wont go mad .....maybe I wont get the shot in that place where all i can see is the white ceiling and the hands all around me....the horrible gowns ....and the male nurses....why should a man ever be a nurse? Terror.
Im in the bathroom there is loud horrible music playing somewhere. Everything takes on a sickly yellowish hue. I don't remember doing it. There was a moment alone wishing the terror could escape...then blood everywhere blood. I watched it pool in the yellow sink. Then I fall to a place in the back of my skull and robot kat takes over. She goes to the room and wakes Kristina and says things that I don't understand. Everything is gibberish and far away. I am in a quiet place. People come and talk to robot Kat and she make some reply. And then there is an absurdly long ambulance ride where I am sure i was sedated .....then the bright lights of a strange new hospital.
I never really remember hospital visits. I guess this time I was on the psych ward for 5 days. All i do remember is begging for this anxiety medicine they give you that melts on your mouth. I would get really angry and they would send me to my room. Where I would  wright ramblings and make crayon drawings. And I liked it when they wrapped my whole arm in bandages because it made it look worse...like I really tried to kill myself, which I hadn't. Then the nurse looking at my cuts and saying "that's not so bad" ...How fucking moronic can you be? Yea just go tell an anorexic they are fat. I fucking hate hospitals.
So of course after this they take me of the Prozac...This being my fourth schizophrenic episode and subsequent hospitalization I am finally officially diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and thus given lithium. 
So all is well and la de da and this post is finally over??? afraid not..

Fall From grace 6.0 part 2
I was a bad girl so I'm taken of Prozac, (btw I also have major depressive disorder) left on the Geodon for general psychotic symptoms...and put on Lithium. I am a horrible disgusting putrid mass of sick. I fall hard into depression. Now this isnt....wow my life sucks and I hate it and im going to dye my hair black depression, (no offense) This is ...I spend two ours trying to motivate myself to walk to the bathroom and take a piss depression. I migrate from bed to couch. I glue my eyes open and watch the daytime t.v because i'm tired of having nightmares, but I don't understand it; and i  don't laugh at the jokes. I go to the couch because It seems to make Ron feel better. Him and Kris are worried about me. "what happens your a completely different person". Luckily Ron used to have a wife who was every bit as bipolar as me. he gets it. Kris is distraught.  She tries to fight with me. She cries. Anything to get a rise, but I can't even give her that. I mumble "I don't know"s and "I'm sorry"s. Days drag buy and become weeks. I stopped going to school A while ago. Decided I needed to get my shit together.....Yea look at me now really got it goin on.
I don't have a job.I'm broke, Kris is paying both our parts of the rent. I lay on the couch....Sometimes I cry uncontrollably. My biggest decisions are whether or not to eat and shower. In the midst of all this I sloooowly start to come to the surface. Kris and I decide to get an apartment together and for some reason I decide to go back to school. (I can't afford to pay back my loans, and I seem to think it will get me back on track) right.....(so now that u have an idea)

almost to present day......=)
Manic high, version who fucking cares

So we get the apartment.....for a while I don't unpack anything. I go through a crisis of "maybe this was the wrong decision" But really what other choice did I have.....broke no where to go. But I love my Girlfriend very much so we work it out together. And eventually I get my meds changed again.....enter Welbutrin, and more Lithium, say goodbye to Geodon. Wooot yay I'm back at school, and cleaning the house and doing my homework. But not to much, wouldn't want people to think im manic. And from this point it seems my life gets better and better. Who cares that my car got smashed, I have student loan money lets buy another! And I proceed to spend and spend and spend. But who cares that's not like a symptom or anything! (sarcasm) Kris and I are brilliant, and I do the laundry in appropriate intervals and wash the dishes and make dinners. In fact for a while the tables are turned. See Kris has been diagnosed with Bipolar also. She is also a recovering drug attic and alcoholic. She stopped drinking when we met.(we both did) So she is in her head and distant and dreary and I am clueless as to what to do, and for a moment I wonder if it hurts this much to love me.
I buy new clothes and new hair and new makeup and present a whole new mask of me. Kat version 7.0 here to save the day. Look at me I'm so much better, like I was never sick. I'm amazing and SO responsible and SO grown up. For a while I go to class and even participate. My doctors are oh so impressed....this is a real break through "your like a new person" "this is the most together I've ever seen you" hahahaha.......I am the puppeteer! I am IN CONTROL ...NOTHING but NOTHING can stop me ...I'm going to be a great artist and everyone will no my name and i will have THE most REVOLUTIONARY senior show EVER and then I will go to grad school wherever I wish because im AMAZING and then I will be a GREAT professor...........

One night I can't sleep. I get up and do sketches. Then again and again. Threads begin to come undone. THe light is to bright in my eyes, the world to loud. There is a faucet in my brain that is leeking evil thoughts.
You are a fat pig...
No one really knows you...
You are completely alone....
You are a fake...
Lies.......lies......lies  ......drip.......    drip
It Slowly builds until there is a lake in my head a lake of blackness sloshing around noisily distracting me from life. At first I become afraid......afraid of my psychology class because the room is so dark and small and nothing the teacher says seems to make sense to me. Afraid that I might have to sit buy a boy because there is so little room. Afraid of men...always....irrationally afraid. There is one boy in particular. He is tall, potentially strong. We used to have a class together and he would ask me out all the time. Tell me things like "how do you know your gay if you've never been with a man"....One of those creeps that lives just below the surface. When he says hi to me my skin crawls. But on this particular day I'm out to prove that I'm not afraid. I see him. we talk as if we are friends....the masks people were....I laugh easily. at some point he says slyly "we should hang out sometime." "yea sure" I'm not afraid of you. This feels wrong like a secret code. I know what he wants. he wants sex, they all want sex even women want sex.........I'm really afraid. But it's completely irational right? How can I tell people? What would I say?
And that is the last straw
the shackles wind round, the lake fills an ocean. All is seen through mud all is dull and colorless. Old tired pain rises to the surface and discolors the waters of my mind. Suddenly my world is not school and girlfriend and art, no it is my fathers face as he lay dying, phone calls and icu's and horrid faces about to speak the words you already know. The feeling of death all around. ......My father lifting a beer to his dying lips....the helplessness. The last words my stepmother said to me......the nurse crying for me on christmas morning....DRIP DRIP DRIP.......My tiny hands tied to the iron bed...the weight .....the blood......the sound of my body dragging on the wooden floor.......the helplessness ...............His hands in my  hair..........the loneliness....................dady's pride..... dady's little girl  .........little.........girl..............jodi's words........your just a child.............excuses.lonely ......little........girl......child.


I cut my hair twice and it's still not short enough. And everyone says "what a pity, What a shame" you were so pretty, so cute. I hate them. I hate cute. I hate that when I thought I was the puppeteer I was being made to dance the most elaborate dance. I hate that every time I remove one mask there is another. I'm afraid that this real me is just this pain that is left over. I hate that I am afraid. I want to be strong. Deep down somewhere I wish that I were a boy. Or at least that I looked more like one. I want to starve and deflate my female body. I want to be strong. I want to mutilate my self to the point that no one can recognize me. I want them  to see the pain. And I want to hide forever. I'm good at hiding.

It's really easy. Even though I've been found out, been sent to the hospital to many times to count. Even in the middle of my lunatic ravings, starvation, cutting, those people who supposedly love and care for me will say.....She is just under a lot of stress........It's nothing. And when I wake up from the sedation I will say....yes just stress......guess I was working to hard. And they will all smile and laugh...."your such a hard worker.....such a good girl".................................how much it hurts you can't imagine


Present day ....fall....?

SO here we are....I cut my hair. I hate it. I got drunk because my gf wanted me to meet her friends at a bar....we all got drunk. I don't think i'm supposed to drink while on lithium but who the fuck cares. Obviously not my doctor because she has canceled on me twice. I haven't showered in 3 days but apparently no one thinks that's weird. Sometimes I wonder if people ignore my weirdness on purpose. Like "she just wants attention don't give it to her" or something like that. I can't help but be amazed at the lies people accept. My Days are all ..."I don't feel good" and "I'm sorry" and oh" I journaled im getting through it because im strong and no matter what I'll be ok"...blah blah BULLSHIT.  I'm tired of lying. I'm scared i'm going to loose my gf and I'm completely and totally FUCKED UP and I don't know how to fix this and I'm not getting better and the medicine is NOT helping. I completely fucked up at school again and I'm failing everything. My gf is mad because i'm not going to class and she wants me to get a job. Who the fuck is going to hire me?? I got fired from my last three jobs. (Oh but im not disabled at all. obviously I just want to take advantage of the fucking system because the government is so fucking generous these days) .........so survey....i can't go to work, can't go to school, can't even walk outside some days. *sigh* what am I going to do?  I mean how do I beat this stupid illness. I have 3 doctors.....on 3 medications. I'm just so tired. I hop there is someone out there who cared enough to read all this bullshit. Let me know if you relate

depression setting in

**sigh**  I am stuck by the fact that a lot of people don't really understand Bipolar depression. My doctor says that Bipolar is like a spectrum of mood from Manic to Depressed. At any given moment I am some where on that spectrum, maybe even in the middle.
Sometimes the change from Manic to Depressed can be very gradual. Like me right now. It would seem that my life is falling apart again. For me it starts with the food. I eat to much..... then just like that I'm "not hungry" for a week. No body notices these things, or they at least don't confront me about it.
..

F*** the universe THIS is me. ....at the moment

So This is my new Creative project. Welcome to the experiment people. I want this to be more that a blog...I have an idea that I hope can grow. I want to show the side of myself that know one else in my life is ever allowed to see. I spend my nights sweating over the lies I tell to get through every day. There not big lies, I'm not a complete fake. Most people would describe me as down to earth...."she's got a good head on her shoulders" whatever. We all tell these little lies...I'm fine, when we are about to break. I'm not hungry when we are starving. We wake up in the morning and put on our face of lies. I get it. Its necessary......why else would everyone do it? And yes we all do weather you know it or not. But there is this phenomenon called the internet where people can be whatever they want. Well, stripped of all morel consequences of my actions and hiding behind an alias. I want to be myself. It does feel terribly naive to think that someone out there in the world would care about my dramatic, narcissistic, pessimistic view on reality. But I've always been a little naive. If you are squeamish, don't like sad stories ....or simple don't care u may want to stop reading now.

A" brief" history of subject one: me

My parent seperated when I was about a year old. Wasn't that bad, lived with my older sister, brother and mom. Mom was an alcoholic, (so was dad, he also did drugs). At the age of four I got brutally raped by my uncles son. To this day no one knows. My Brother and I were also beaten buy our uncle. He would also fill our plates with as much food as was on his and we would have to eat it (even though we were only four and six). If we didn't eat it we had to keep eating it for every meal until it was gone. If we threw it up we had to eat the vomit. (promise this is relevant later). My mom died when I was eight. My brother and I were underage so we had to go live with my Dad....who we had barely seen sense the day he left our mother.  ( I think I have severe memory loss from this point in my life and when I saw my father I actually didn't know who he was). So he brought us to Missouri and we lived with our grandparents for a while. Then we got a shack of a house. Blah blah life goes on Dad is a ragging alcoholic. He leaves my brother and I home alone for days at a time. We roam the streets...people feel sorry for us and give us handouts. Sometimes we sleep outside the bar waiting for Dad to come out. He gives us money a lot and we survive on gas station pizza.  Then enters Jodi my stepmom. She straightens things up and we shape up to be a pretty normal family except that she has Bipolar disorder and flies into rages, and my dad is still an alchaholic and my brother is a super genius that no one understands and I am...lost alone....like every teenager. I try going to church and for a while I do a perfect little christian girl dance, and I even mean it, but that becomes corrupted and my heart was broken. Then comes me the suicide girl. It all started with the dreams. The constant insomnia that had been eating away at me from the day I was born. Now the nightmares come in full force Horrifying disgusting nightmares, of rape, beatings, death, murder. (If you want the details I keep a dream journal, let me know and I will publish some). I scream I cry, I puke. I begin to self destruct. I attempt suicide twice....once with pills stollen from my stepmother and once with a knife to my throat.(pretty stupid i know). I begin to see and hear things that aren't real. I can't tell what is reality and what is dream anymore. I cut myself, I starve myself. I want just for someone to see that im not ok. Addiction runs in the family. lies run in the family. One day I show up to school with both arms fully rapped. No one says a word. .........maybe one....Freak..
I don't get in to the college I want right away so I go to spend a few months with my Grandparents. They get me medication....antidepressants and sleeping pills. Everything seems wonderful for a while. I have a job, I loose a ton of weight. (still starving) They think its great that I ride my bike for 10 hours straight after working an 8 hour shift. yea great.
Than comes college. The first year at a private christian school ( i wanted to give god another chance). I meant my first boyfriend and first love. He loves me happy he hates me sad. My world is defined by his words "whats wrong with you" "you are  a totally different person". I starve on. I weigh 110 pounds. The nightmares come back, the insomnia, the rape. I try to tell him. He leaves me. I am so devastated I get physically ill every time I see him. I run. Change schools to the place where my brother is and a few of my high school friends. The moment I Pull in to the driveway I get a call from my Dad....Jodi is in the hospital.
It is critical, she has contracted MRSA. She dies on Christmas morning. I am 20 and have lost two mothers. Jodi's dying wish is that my father will get his liver scaned. He does so and finds out that he has liver cancer. They do what they can to fight it but it is far advanced, and he doesn't stop drinking right away. I had a conversation with him one day. I said " Dad do you know that you are killing yourself, that every time you pick up that bottle you are choosing death over life." He said yes. He died a year later.

So Here I am...about three years later.
In the interim I have been diagnosed with. ptsd, dissociative Identity disorder, schizophrenia. u name it ive hade it. But finally the docs settled on Bipolar I rapid cycling. Ironic no?
Bipolar is a sickness of the mind, where one had distorted mood states. for instance being extremely happy and feeling like you are invincible for no apparent reason.(its a lot like being high). or they have a completely debilitating depression, where they cant even get out of bed to shower. Bipolar people swing between these mood states. Its a very complicated illness. Mine is in some ways the worst kind of bipolar. Ive had at least four of what they call a Manic Break. Where u basically snap and go insane. Thats where the schizophrenia diagnoses comes from.  I'm at a point now where without my medicine I become extremely paranoid and scared. (i might elaborate more on that later)

So here is the interesting part.....no one can see what I see or experience life as I do. But I would like to find someone who maybe understands a little bit of what its like to be such a  complete fuck up. Its especially hard when people try to be nice to you about it. My professors are great, they usually forgive me for missing class. But I can't tell them...."sorry I wasn't in class I had a horrible fear that if I went outside the dirt molecules in the air would absorb into my body and kill me."  .......No one understands that I can't eat meat or certain foods because I honestly believe the government engineer them to cause cancer. And no its not because im crazy ....or am I?

so here is where you come in. I'm going to tell you everything about my messed up life so at least someone will be able to always see the real me. I will also be like a log that I can look back on. And you cab see my progression into either recovery or........well not  so please comment and no hate I didn't ask you to read my blog. And stay tuned ...im hopping to do video logs in the future.